Tuesday, 28 December 2010

a little bit of a head cold and a renaissance...

There's about a hundred things I want to write about, but I'm going to be strict with myself.

The past five days I've been forced to stop by a bugger of a head cold. I've been holed up in Lancashire with my family, and it's been a honey and hot lemon Christmas. It's been sneezes, tissues, falling asleep on a chair by the fire, bloody lovely puddings made by my mum, more coal on the fire, more films, laughing until my belly hurt, pyjamas, blankets, paracetamol, fortune cookies, charades, more sleep, sore throat, croaky voice, leaving the house once for a snowy walk, hats, scarves and gloves, some lovely presents, family stories.

I feel dead lucky.

Probably without the head cold, I might have rushed back to Manchester, or rushed around doing things. But, I've been rough as old dogs and floored for a few days, and it's made me appreciate what is right here for me whenever I need it, all-weathers, and whatever I'm like, warts and all. This is what love feels like. It's ace.

I want to be better at showing how much I care for the people who are always there for me because they're brilliant.

Mushy mush mush mush.

This year was a bit like a head cold.

For years and years, I've been dragging around a whole load of crap from the past, a lot of which doesn't even belong to me, is not my fault, and stems from events that are gone and can never be changed.

Probably, somewhere deep inside, there has always been this hope that I would be able to heal it all or find some understanding to make it all go away. Or that I would find someone else who could take it all away for me.

But this year my body sent me some strong messages in the disguise of migraines and other health niggles and it shut me down at times, forcing me to stop and take a closer look at what the heck I'm doing to myself.

Since May, I've been slogging away trying to make changes, not sure what it is exactly I need to change, but trying anyway.

And at last in December I feel as if something is shifting. Yes, yes. It feels different, positive, as if some of the crap is being left behind and I'm starting to like myself and appreciate what is bloody lovely about my life. I'm enjoying myself a whole lot, feeling loved, believing in myself more, having fun, loving my friends.

Again, mushy mush mush, but you know, it is an amazing relief to feel like this again, after being in such a self-hateful, scared, empty place. It's not perfect... It's still tough. I still get ill. I still feel down in moments. I've just decided I don't want to be that unhappy scared person any longer.

I choose to leave all the rubbish behind and be happy. For as long as I can be.

So there. That's a good attitude to start the new year with, innit.


Anonymous said...

Oh hell ay. Amazing how a fugged up head can clear the brain eh?

Megan said...

you seem like a bloody lovely Anne. Here's to a mush-filled and bloody happy 2011 xxxx