Monday, 1 November 2010

Catching Up...

I have a lot to say at the minute. About writing, about me, about life, about changes that are going on, good things, bad things, emotional things, daft things.

In the words of the Wombats:
'And I don't know why I want to voice this out loud,
It's therapeutic somehow.'

Down at the allotment, everything is dying back, I'm harvesting the last of my Summer and Autumn veg, and getting prepared for next year. There is a lot of digging to do, a lot of horse muck to be spread, plants to be composted. There is something very therapeutic about it: letting the old die back and rot down so it will fertilise what I plant next year.

I suppose it makes sense then that I seem to be working on letting go of a lot of other dead stuff in my life, to make way for the new. Old patterns, old ways of doing things, old feelings.

I've been doing a course called 'Beating the Blues' for the past eight weeks. Only one session left. It's a course my GP told me about because I really don't want to go back on medication if I can help it, and this course is supposed to be as good as medication, so the blurb says. It's pretty much a self-help course, focusing on cognitive behavioural techniques to change thought patterns, challenge negative inner beliefs, develop better strategies for dealing with anxiety and depression. So, for example, I've been focusing on things like, developing better sleep patterns, working on problem solving, challenging errors in my thinking and replacing these with more useful ways of thinking. It's very practical and more thorough than I'm able to explain here.

The hardest part has been identifying my inner beliefs. All well and good if these are healthy, positive and self-affirming. But some of my inner beliefs (being honest) are a bit messed up and it was tough coming face to face with them, realising some of the deep down things I believe about myself. I was supposed to find evidence against these inner beliefs, and funnily enough at first all I could find was evidence that confirmed them.

It's strange how powerful inner beliefs can be. Even though, my head will say 'these are not rational beliefs, they make no sense,' somewhere else deep inside the beliefs are wedged tight refusing to be moved. And I really need to unwedge them. Otherwise I'm going to keep getting depressed or stuck or anxious. And life is passing, you know. Quicker than I want it to.

I was very emotional for a week or two. It spilled out onto all kinds of people and into all kinds of situations. This is something I usually feel really bad about, bad about myself, reconfirming all those negative inner beliefs blah blah. So, often I hide away when I feel emotional, and wait for it to pass. But I decided not to do this. And actually, I've been met with a whole load of kindness, hugs, and warmth from friends and people I don't know that well.

And it's interesting writing blogs like this. There are probably a lot of people that think I'm nuts. Heart way too much on my sleeve. Far too confessional, and all that. But, this is me, right? So... I'm writing it.

And this is what I want to do next.

Write more often and more of what I want to write. Write the novel. Write stories. Believe I can do it. Say yes to every opportunity. Be confident. Even if it scares me, still do it. Get on planes. Meet new people. Stand in crowded places. Talk to strangers if I want to. Learn. If someone is mean to me, believe it's about the other person not me. Let go more. Be spontaneous. Be me, actually. Chatter. Laugh. Be enthusiastic. Don't care what other people think. Stop bloody worrying. Get out there. Spend time with friends. Focus on now. Love deeply. And find some peace inside.


Aashna said...

Hello Annie,
I like ur blog esp da fact dat it's so honestly written.I am an author myself.Here are the links:

Since u like reading and I like honest opinions,I will be honoured if u choose to post ur opinions on my writings.Thanx..God bless :)

sonia said...

This really resonated with me - thanks for this post.

Megan said...

do it Annie!!
m xx

Anonymous said...

only just seen this for some reason - am sure if you need help finding evidence I could help you out, if you feel like sharing some time x (course I can't guarentee you'd believe me, but I spose that's half the challenge)

annie clarkson said...

Thanks Sally x of course you are one of the lovely friends that always make me feel better...

Thanks Meg, Sonia, Aashna