Saturday, 22 May 2010

#26 On not being grateful

Sometimes I don't want to be grateful. Sometimes I want to just moan.

Take today, I have many things to be thankful for, a very kind friend at the allotment who fixed a new pane of glass in my coldframe after I broke it last week. Actually he's always kind to me, he also helped me build a raised bed today, and he lets me sit on his allotment in his meditation hut, makes me laugh and is generally bloody nice to me. Other things, like the lovely qi gong class that I went to last night in the gorgeous community garden at my workplace, and the feeling of peace I got from the sound of a trickling water feature nearby. And all my plants at the lotty are growing beautifully, and there are little things all the time that make me smile.

But today, I want to be ungrateful, I want to moan about being on my own, and all its associated GGGRRgh. I want to moan about feeling lonely sometimes, especially on such a gorgeous day when I could be doing... a million things... with friends or a lover or my family, instead of (like most weekends) pottering about by myself. And I know, I know there are many things to love about having your own space, freedom, independence, and really it's perfect in many ways. And I'm sure at some point I blogged about this before, but GGRHHAAAARGHH, moan moan moan, poor old little maudlin whiney me.

On days like this, everyone appears to be having a lovely time with friends, bbq's everywhere, couples being loved up, kids laughing, plans. And I had a nice day, I had a lovely day, but it's that missing something, that gap, that little bit of loneliness that pick pick picks at me from time to time. A strong digging feeling that is a little difficult to ignore.

So, Yes, I am grateful for a nice piece of cake, and my watering cans, and my favourite cafe, and everything from dear 1 to 25, but grrrrraaaeeeeeghgh, these small things that give me pleasure most of the time can't always do the business. Do you know what I mean?

Anyway, I will go and eat my keylime pie that I treated myself to, watch Lord of the Rings, and do my qi gong and accupressure practice, and read a brilliant short story before bed. And I will love all of it, and be grateful. But it might be a little battle as well, and I might have to work hard to see the positives for a very short time.

3 comments:

Megan said...

totally allowed to moan Annie. Sending love. Wish you were closer, I'd love to meet up. I don't suppose a virtual picnic would be quite the same
xxx

SallyF said...

Oh god do moan that rings such strong bells, great days can be the shittest when you're feeling like that. You're always welcome round here, but I know sometimes being with a family is the last thing you want when you're in that particular frame of mind. Anyway the offer's always there, and I will never be offended if and when you turn me down, sometimes you need to be alone / on your own to really feel the benefit of the moaning moment. There are times you need to revel in it. Go for it. x

ANTHONY SIDES said...

If you're positive all the time, unacknowledged negatives get stuck under the membrane of positivity, causing bloating and discomfort, and pissing you off. The best ways I've found to stop or unravel depression are random endorphins (which I got from a Paul McKenna book) and just feeling and briefly cataloguing my feelings ('I'm sad about this, scared about that, angry because I'm scared, upset by' ... etc) So, going back to the original metaphor, it's good to let off some farts of displeasure when you feel the need, and no requirement to apologize. xx