Thursday, 3 December 2009

notes about love, being alone and other nonsense

This is another of those personal blogs that some people might not approve of because *oh no* I tell people about my real self rather than my writer self, my professional self, or my psuedo-only-for-the-internet self.

Bugger it. I feel tired of keeping myself private and hidden in a shadow/cupboard/behind a facade.

I want to write about matters of the heart.

Increasingly as I get older, people around me are part of a couple, or a family that live together. I belong to many things - I have a lovely family who live a drive away, I am part of a team at work, I have a lovely collection of friends who are brilliant and fun and very important to me, I belong to an allotment society, a choir, a spanish class (when I go...!), a writing community.

These are all lovely, lovely things to be a part of and give me a wonderful sense of belonging. And believe me, I am grateful for the life I have which is rich and creative and in many ways more than I imagined.

But, none of these things keep me warm at night, or give me a cuddle right when I need one, or make me a cup of tea when I'm feeling a bit poorly.

I know, I know. I'm very lucky. People tell me all the time. I'm independent, no need for compromise with anyone. I have plenty of my own space (what other people wouldn't do for a bit of time to themselves like me!). My own lovely quiet house (what other people wouldn't do for some peace and quiet for a change!)I don't need to worry about anyone else. No arguments over whose turn it is to clean the whatever. Nobody else's dirty socks on the bedroom floor. Blah blah.

But, I kind of think some noise around the house might make me smile, and a little row now and again about something silly, and someone else's stuff around the place. Being alone is great in so many ways, but I'm a little tired of it right now, and being together sounds nicer, not just for a short time but a long time, you know, not just anyone, but someone.

I'm not looking for pitying comments, or people cheering me up. I'm not maudlin about it, not feeling sorry for myself, it's just the way things are, life is about having some things and not others.

I guess though, I wanted to express it and say where things are with me at the moment, and perhaps later on when there is someone I can look back and smile, and appreciate it all the more...


SueG said...

I know some people think we oughtn't write personally on these blogs, that we shouldn't "whinge." But I think we all have struggles in our lives and it's much more honest to come clean about them. There's nothing we out here can really do for any of our each other's struggles and disappointments, except help the person acknowledge them and reassure them that they are not, in fact, along. That, I thin, is still pretty important. So, thank you for trusting us with this. You are brave and truthful to have written it. Ever onward!

SallyF said...

And you know what you're right, all that peace and quiet and stuff is all good and lovely. But it isn't the same as a cuddle when you need one. And it sometimes just turns into space to fill, not space to think. I spent years feeling that same way too so I fully get it. Your time will come, I know it.

sonia said...

I love your posts coz they are about such different things. It's best to acknowledge and express feelings I think. That way we grow.

Anonymous said...

Personally, I find the personal posts the most interesting, and am much more likely to return to a blog in which some of the posts show that the writer is a real person.

Although I occasionally complain about my husband (and often about my children), and although I know that there are people who live happily on their own, I know I'd have hated it and feel very lucky not to have experienced it.

Wishing you luck,

susan stewart said...

'Integrity' is a word that sounds good when you speak it, and when the words uttered are possessed of it. Your blog is always worth reading.

Some 'one' will come along for you - just when you least expect it!
x su

angel said...

hi annie- sorry i havent left a comment for ages- blogger access problems big time. cant get in at all!

sounds like you are in a good position to meet someone- you have a nice life in place- so theres every reason someone will wnat to share it when you do meet someone. i'm the exact opposite- have a partner, but no other friends, no job and no fun hobbies, trust me, i'd love a life like yours :)

your a good person- you have a lot to share x

James Bent said...

I think that it's a story anyway, so tell it. I read you like you were a character (sorry about that, hope that's not an insult) and I enjoyed the post - for me, and I don't really care about what anyone else things - when I read something, I want to feel something, and I got that, so it's good writing and I don't care if it's real or not.

Real stories are still stories.

PS, I like the bit in your "about me" re: My writing tends to be about these things: very good. Ha. "Very good", what does that mean! It means I like it.